MY SCARS SHINING

 

When I was young I knew no fear,

I'll play from dawn till sun would disappear.

Never heard 'beware' in whatever they said

until one day, I saw a drop of 'Red'.

I didn't fathom then that it was the dawn

what puberty would bring, what it would spawn.

I could feel them put my innocence to test,

as I noticed their eyes lingering on my chest

My world suffocated when I got introduced to the Bra,

everynight I have taken it off to breathe 'hallelujah'.

Everyday my dupatta would save me a disaster,

I was the dog and all the Men- my master.

They taught me to be elegant, they taught me to blush

They forbade me to drink or to smoke or to cuss

When I was loud - they forced me to hush

everytime I tried to fly- they asked "whats the rush?"

So I reigned in my song and I pleased them all

Every smile and nod brought me closer to my fall

I felt elated, successful- I had arrived and passed

Till one day , on a deserted street, I was harassed

I gulped it down- and denied my anger

Oh girlie - calm down- it was just a mad stranger

When yet another stranger walked in as my prince

He promised me his name and I never looked back since

I celebrated the illusion of marital bliss & inLaws

Pushed to my limits, still i denied their flaws

Oh It was all about "love",it was all about "respect"

So in all the roles they chose - I wanted to be 'perfect'

And then came motherhood- and it broke my mirage alright

Anger was my day's partner as I said hello to wakeful nights

I would cry, pull my hair & ask- cant you feel my pain too?

and dear husband would sagely say- "relax, this what you were born to do"

Then one day it all stopped- the pretense, the pain, the abyss,

and I started seeing myself and the world -as it really is.

When someone whispered "you dont deserve this ditch"

I started my journey from 'the sad girl' to - "a bad bitch" .

To them all- I declare- as I do to my nearest one

Perfect ? My foot. I wont be. I am done.

Watch out - now this angel has grown a horn

from my ashes, I have been - Reborn.

Not just a wife or a mother or a daughter in law

I am power and courage and mercy and awe.

Its a letter to all those, who in apology will be pining,

beware - I am back & these are my scars shining.

Heal

 As a little girl I , once I saw my mom cry

And so to make her happy, everyday would I try

I spent years not knowing the answer is not to kneel

It is to find my god 'within', it is to 'heal'

I spent decades searching for myself

in the eyes of people I love and help

When I saw them fighting their own sorrow

I knew I had to be my own hero

Imploding in love, exploding in rage

I asked almighty to help escape my cage

he smiled at the infinity & intensity I feel

Till I stopped one day. And he whispered - "heal"

And every breeze since then touched me softly

every hush enticed me to its tiny melody

As I saw a tree dance alone in zeal

I let go and allowed myself to heal

And as I breathe in the cure, my heart is lighter

Its as if I could finally stop being a fighter

And I don't have to live for just another day

God has another plan and maybe there's another way.

Dedicated to the one I love

Amongst the men saddled with lies

I found my truth within & above

In this world so black and white

I found my colour in love

It came with no fanfare

No winds no music no rain.

Sneaked into my pillow one night

and I never felt lonely again

Since then all smiles are kind

all joys are too ecstatic

Life sings to me everyday-

'Oh, this love is so enigmatic!'

Irresistible Iron to my magnet heart, 

an undying battery to my wrist-watch,

a gush of breath to the drowning soul

he is sugar syrup to my butterscotch

A reminder of gratitude when i forget

a pampering parent to my childish heart

a drop of water on a scorching day

he is the song of my dance and color of my art

Autumn

The leaves fall

the memories crawl

as I curl up to sleep a little longer

the clouds tired of raining

the bruises tired of paining

yet I snooze to wake up stronger

The moon burns bright

on this lonely pale night

I shed the last remains of despair

the fate is passe

the courgae en masse

as I breathe in the autumn air

The sky turns blue

as I reach out for you

but hope is a dangerous thing

The roads now dried

like the tears I cried

I screech as I'm peeled to grow a wing

the skin would bleed

under the weight of creed

but the feathers break out piece by piece

crippled by memory

resolve my only remedy

Here comes the day I fly to find my release

Dancer

The evening inches closer
the clock teases my pulse
Can I miss it? No sir
I say "I'll go!", damn impulse

One excuse is what I lack
Yet to home I'll be true
And who will drive me back?
Shit, didnt think it through!

And now I'm in the car
Swaying In & out of sleep
Once that I reach the bar
Breath would be hard to keep

And here we are, here we are
marking entry in my kingdom
One look around near & far
Readying to live my freedom

Familiar faces smiling wide
Ain't got no time for pleasantries
Impatient to ride the tide
I pour with clumsy expertise

Considering its fair strength
and diluting it just a little
I gulp the sin down in a length
yet struggling to hold the spittle

I Wait . 5,4,3,2,1
I close my eyes.
And as the music sets in
I welcome the paradise

No memory of when I move
I'll forget when I'd bend
I'll forget my every groove
why does everyone seem a friend?

the world's shutting down
and my stage is opening up
in every song, let me drown
as I flee from life's lockup

The 'lady' in me leaves the show
the employee deserts & how!
The daughter bows low
And the dancer rises now

Live a little

When you are born,
your eyes hold wonder
your speech holds magic
your heart holds thunder

you are dear to all
as all are your dear
your tender screams
are complaints,nay fear

then slowly the world changes
and you welcome"age"
once joy was your nature
now meet sadness & rage

With passing days you see strife
and each time your heart becomes brittle
every time you hold back a tear
piece by piece, you kill yourself a little

you lose yourself planning tomorrows
when todays weep a little while passing by
your shredded soul beseeches attention
whenever to be, to become do u 'Try'

and when you will just have a day left to live
would you leave this world with a regret?
what would you remember the most
someone you had or the things you couldn't get?

when life swims by across your eyes
who would it be,in another world,will you miss?
what will hold your heart until the end,
the biggest failure or your first kiss?

To the demons of your own making
would you sentence conviction or acquittal
in all the deaths you die everyday
may you find some moments, to live a little

The Indian Bride (inspired partially by Bhartesh Chaudhary's Post)

Over the long years when she struggled alone,
she learnt to live in less and in dignity
when her youth and her beauty was kept to hone
she never was the one for shame & pity

and along came the man who was a mirror
to her own simplicity & depth of soul
and he made promises to win her & love her
She, trusted him, slow and then in whole

Together they created dreams & worlds
their laughter shone like the rising sun
he would swerve in the smell of her curls
and she was sure that , he was 'the one'

Though Indians are still divided in 4 factions
and he was alas, but one above her
but their love was less words more actions
it was strong enough for differences, to cover

but they were wrong, she was wrong
she wasn't perfect or enough for the bond
the list of inadequacies in her was long
it stretched to her age, her family & beyond

and he nodded when they asked her to blend
and agreed to make her divorce her pride
unknowingly, he made her heart & soul rend
well, that's the price to be an Indian bride

She wondered about the promises and the vow
that they both silently undertook under the moon
the bond of equality- where was it now
was this the beginning to an end, so soon?

the answers lay buried somewhere in Indian mindsets
where daughters and brides are beneath sons & grooms
where dignity's quota is decided by a human's sex
and where an obligation on 'her', always looms

The truly liberated ones are either lost or rare
or the ones who are judged for their money or riches
in whose home a woman wont feel pride-bare
where her head is held high- and no one twitches

would she resign or rebel- no one would know
her heart,though, ached with yet another deceit
would she choose her respect over the good bride show
would she let go or attempt , all her life, to fit?

Excerpt from 'The Palace of Illusions'

"..Once a boy came running in from play and asked, Mother, what is milk? My friends say it is creamy and white and has the sweetest taste, second only to the nectar of gods. Please, mother, I want milk to drink.
The mother ,who was too poor to buy milk, mixed some flour in water , added jaggery , and gave it to the boy.
The boy drank it and danced in joy, saying, Now I, too, know what milk tastes like!

And the mother ,who through all the years of her hardship had never shed a tear, wept at his trust and her deception..."

- Chitra Bannerjee Divakaruni

"...I think of him now, ragged and lost, staggering across a desert, the path behind him littered with all the shiny little pieces that life has ripped from him.."
-Khalid Hosseini

A White Mountain

Among this crowd of vain

All engrossed in pain

I wait for the train

To a white mountain

They say it’s a place

Far away from this race

Where nature & god’s grace

Lay in a warm embrace

Where the birds play

And the squirrels run gay

where the setting sun’s ray

brightens a loner’s day

but the train’s too late

and yet I lie in wait

with a will that wont abate

and wont settle with mere ‘fate’

So I run with all my fire

And Will walk if I tire

Freedom aint just a desire

It’s a need no one can mire

Once there , I wont miss

The busy world & its piss

 I'll be lost & maybe reckless

And in rain, his lips I’ll kiss

Burn

Through the years that boil you

And the lessons that you learn

Let the fire not betray you

Each time, brighter, may you burn.

The bullets that rip your chest

& the cracks that make the heart churn

Let your scars screech, but in zest

O darling, higher, may you burn

For the love you lost & gained

And the deaths that had your concern

For the acid of your eyes that rained

I pray you never stop, but, burn

Let the flame consume your soul

Don’t cry if the gods are taciturn

World's blind to the ash of your whole

Don’t let the fire die. Till the end- burn.

You know not what your love means to me

A gush of breath to the drowning soul
Or a slight ripple caressing the morning sea

A tremor breaking the peace of dusk
On this barren land - a lone desert tree

A lull of hope in a burnt town
And a drug from which I can’t break free

A glue to the brokenness of my being
A paradox aggravating the heart’s melee

You know not what your love means to me

May you be Reborn

So much so far has been written and said
Stories have been shared, taught and read

Saints & sinners have all preached at length
And all have bowed to its mounting strength

Yet we all, long or small, will take the fall
"Love"- the beast, has a mystique too tall

Hard to resist , difficult to ingest
it makes us suffer ,but all in zest

But a mystery around it will forever loom
it will command consumption & it will consume

Impatient and vile, it's calm just the same
It brings great heights & to some, shame

Once in its spell, one has to remain
for the only exit is through hell & pain

However strong, it will strike you once
It'll bed your demons & scare your nuns

Its hope. Passion. Ecstasy . Madness
But in its wake, it'll render pangs of sadness

In a smile, in a tear and in a moan
It'll hit you when you're meek & alone

So- Beware- when the beast strikes, yet
Give in, for its gonna be one helluva bet

For it'll deliver you anew to the world forlorn
In its agonizing trance, may you be Reborn.

Carpe Diem

The night stirs
the moonlight blurs
a realist's view
that's painted blue

a poet's mind
in a world unkind
entrapped in mundane
and wasted in vain

I sat ,yet, once
let go off the nuns
that chain the heart
and restrain my art

then the silence talked
& the stillness walked
as my soul danced
by a tune,entranced

I had missed since long
the nature's song
as the stars & the sky
they had whispered "Fly.."

Tomorrow in the light
I may forget tonight
but in my own way
I"ll "seize the day"

The Moon & the Clouds

The night it crooned into my ear,
a song of silence for me to hear

the blue moon danced with a glorious cloud
while it shied away from its gentle shroud

the cloud inclement, was intent and bent
his pure love enticed the moon to relent

but the moon had her moonlight in her heart
and for no cloud would she let it part

the clouds of the day would come & go
but her moonlight wont ever be mellow

sometimes it paled, sometimes it was gray
but its soothing presence was never far away

the light that lit up her lonely night
no cloud could snatch,it had no right

the moon had romanced the clouds someday
'lovers of the night' had left her in the day

her hardened heart was numb ever since
at plights and tragedies,it didnt again wince

could this patch of gray undo the delicate moon
in his fierce embrace,could he make her swoon?

Bygone Innocence

The eyes of a child in their sparkling glory

Say a million verses in a lazy story

Of dreams afresh and experiences anew

Of smiles galore and tears just a few

If only could I hold that moment right there

In its sanctity and its purity while its fair

Can I save it before its gone and stained

Can the innocence of that heart be chained?

Don’t I today see in him what I once was?

When i loved and lived and laughed just because

When the world wouldn’t always stand in guard

When emotion and passion wasn’t this hard

In time, So proper and prim do we become

With a heart too small and an ego too plum

Too careful to love and too cautious to play

Puckered feelings, in abeyance, lay

The key to the lock of the tinge is buried

The race to the safety of passivity is hurried

Until we can only be undone by a Twister

That will ‘bang’ our hearts than ‘knock’ to register

Hunt

100 days in coffin and reborn
the vampire sought new blood
but in the vicinity was nothing new
the same old creatures of the wood

the thirst burned her throat
yet the calm disguise ,a practiced skill
in her poise was a gradual thunder
that prepared her for the imminent kill

wandering she caught a glimpse
Of a creature in a new light
And sensed the blood in his veins,
Rushing hot, to her delight

On her heels, she went close
Only to be maddened by his youth
By the sheer dance in his shadows
And his silhouette so uncouth

A ruthless creature of night
He sensed her secret presence
And moved enough to let the winds
Inflame her more with his fragrance

Breathing heavily she licked her lips
As she neared her delicious prey
And in a swift move he thrust her back
To a tree from where she couldn't get away

Gasping for breath she fought for release
But he held her tight until she’d relent
And then they stared in each other’s eyes
While drawing in each other’s scent

And that one moment of contact
Ran tremors deep down her belly
But her thirst got the best of her
And she aimed for his throat of jelly

Heather

A shot in the dark that left him bleeding

An error in judgment that had left him seething

Poor Kim, why did he ever sip in after dark

In the name of incense, ecstasy he was breathing

He had had his lessons but he’d still forget

Honesty wouldn’t always honesty beget

Yet again his heart brushed a potent thorn

Daring and bold while he’d still often get

Hardened twice over by the vagaries of weather

In secret, He’ll search in forests for his Heather

And many a flowers he would see and smell

But none would be pretty as his dream’s feather

So He put up a veneer that the worlds demand

He  flits , feels and plays but all too bland

For the intensity of his love is stormy & fatal

Perpetuity if not eternity is his wish & command

A Date with the Devil

The devil again seduced her to a date,

asked to set free with him,what she'd abate

set ablaze by the madness in his eyes

she accepted ,but,that was no new surprise

this wasn't the first,but one of the many

again he would deliver her spirit,like no any

drinking from his thoughts,she sipped mystic wine

as he talked of "forbidden, impossible & divine"

He said The fences of her imagination

are the bounds to her powerful creation

mediocrity's vicious pattern and routine,

had enough killed stimulation umpteen

he walked her through her dreams and beyond

and said "your belief is your spell and your wand"

wings of vision are everyday spliced dry,

because fear of unknown wont let them fly

what prevents a rebellion in her was just

for safety, shelter & comfort,her lust

"if only you could put sometimes your angels to sleep 

would I come more often,to nudge you deep

on face,emotions you might fear and hate

but in secret,you do romance the inappropriate

and we'll talk of gods, religions and blood too well

Goodbye for now, but wait for my letters from hell"

and as I opened my lashes to enter the land above

Reincarnated as,with my demons,i was in love

Valkyrie

As the Viking ship buoyed up across calm seas

An albatross ,huge and white, hovered along the dock

On the vigil , a Shieldmaiden, young and fierce

Searched for hidden dangers,  round the clock

Through years she had been the strongest on board

With strength unmatched and secrets untold

then once she sipped in a whiskey but not too much

for she had a ship to guard and a reputation to hold

Alas, hung-over, she slept and dreamt of land

and by dawn the ship was lost into uncharted waters

Ringing loud alarms she sounded war cries

To steer her ship back ,into safe borders

Fearing destruction by cyclone or a pirate ship

which reminded her of fateful past & gory imagery

but a bigger question that still remained afloat

was: “will her soul, again, be saved by Valkyrie?”