MY SCARS SHINING

 

When I was young I knew no fear,

I'll play from dawn till sun would disappear.

Never heard 'beware' in whatever they said

until one day, I saw a drop of 'Red'.

I didn't fathom then that it was the dawn

what puberty would bring, what it would spawn.

I could feel them put my innocence to test,

as I noticed their eyes lingering on my chest

My world suffocated when I got introduced to the Bra,

everynight I have taken it off to breathe 'hallelujah'.

Everyday my dupatta would save me a disaster,

I was the dog and all the Men- my master.

They taught me to be elegant, they taught me to blush

They forbade me to drink or to smoke or to cuss

When I was loud - they forced me to hush

everytime I tried to fly- they asked "whats the rush?"

So I reigned in my song and I pleased them all

Every smile and nod brought me closer to my fall

I felt elated, successful- I had arrived and passed

Till one day , on a deserted street, I was harassed

I gulped it down- and denied my anger

Oh girlie - calm down- it was just a mad stranger

When yet another stranger walked in as my prince

He promised me his name and I never looked back since

I celebrated the illusion of marital bliss & inLaws

Pushed to my limits, still i denied their flaws

Oh It was all about "love",it was all about "respect"

So in all the roles they chose - I wanted to be 'perfect'

And then came motherhood- and it broke my mirage alright

Anger was my day's partner as I said hello to wakeful nights

I would cry, pull my hair & ask- cant you feel my pain too?

and dear husband would sagely say- "relax, this what you were born to do"

Then one day it all stopped- the pretense, the pain, the abyss,

and I started seeing myself and the world -as it really is.

When someone whispered "you dont deserve this ditch"

I started my journey from 'the sad girl' to - "a bad bitch" .

To them all- I declare- as I do to my nearest one

Perfect ? My foot. I wont be. I am done.

Watch out - now this angel has grown a horn

from my ashes, I have been - Reborn.

Not just a wife or a mother or a daughter in law

I am power and courage and mercy and awe.

Its a letter to all those, who in apology will be pining,

beware - I am back & these are my scars shining.

Heal

 As a little girl I , once I saw my mom cry

And so to make her happy, everyday would I try

I spent years not knowing the answer is not to kneel

It is to find my god 'within', it is to 'heal'

I spent decades searching for myself

in the eyes of people I love and help

When I saw them fighting their own sorrow

I knew I had to be my own hero

Imploding in love, exploding in rage

I asked almighty to help escape my cage

he smiled at the infinity & intensity I feel

Till I stopped one day. And he whispered - "heal"

And every breeze since then touched me softly

every hush enticed me to its tiny melody

As I saw a tree dance alone in zeal

I let go and allowed myself to heal

And as I breathe in the cure, my heart is lighter

Its as if I could finally stop being a fighter

And I don't have to live for just another day

God has another plan and maybe there's another way.

Dedicated to the one I love

Amongst the men saddled with lies

I found my truth within & above

In this world so black and white

I found my colour in love

It came with no fanfare

No winds no music no rain.

Sneaked into my pillow one night

and I never felt lonely again

Since then all smiles are kind

all joys are too ecstatic

Life sings to me everyday-

'Oh, this love is so enigmatic!'

Irresistible Iron to my magnet heart, 

an undying battery to my wrist-watch,

a gush of breath to the drowning soul

he is sugar syrup to my butterscotch

A reminder of gratitude when i forget

a pampering parent to my childish heart

a drop of water on a scorching day

he is the song of my dance and color of my art

Autumn

The leaves fall

the memories crawl

as I curl up to sleep a little longer

the clouds tired of raining

the bruises tired of paining

yet I snooze to wake up stronger

The moon burns bright

on this lonely pale night

I shed the last remains of despair

the fate is passe

the courgae en masse

as I breathe in the autumn air

The sky turns blue

as I reach out for you

but hope is a dangerous thing

The roads now dried

like the tears I cried

I screech as I'm peeled to grow a wing

the skin would bleed

under the weight of creed

but the feathers break out piece by piece

crippled by memory

resolve my only remedy

Here comes the day I fly to find my release

Dancer

The evening inches closer
the clock teases my pulse
Can I miss it? No sir
I say "I'll go!", damn impulse

One excuse is what I lack
Yet to home I'll be true
And who will drive me back?
Shit, didnt think it through!

And now I'm in the car
Swaying In & out of sleep
Once that I reach the bar
Breath would be hard to keep

And here we are, here we are
marking entry in my kingdom
One look around near & far
Readying to live my freedom

Familiar faces smiling wide
Ain't got no time for pleasantries
Impatient to ride the tide
I pour with clumsy expertise

Considering its fair strength
and diluting it just a little
I gulp the sin down in a length
yet struggling to hold the spittle

I Wait . 5,4,3,2,1
I close my eyes.
And as the music sets in
I welcome the paradise

No memory of when I move
I'll forget when I'd bend
I'll forget my every groove
why does everyone seem a friend?

the world's shutting down
and my stage is opening up
in every song, let me drown
as I flee from life's lockup

The 'lady' in me leaves the show
the employee deserts & how!
The daughter bows low
And the dancer rises now

Live a little

When you are born,
your eyes hold wonder
your speech holds magic
your heart holds thunder

you are dear to all
as all are your dear
your tender screams
are complaints,nay fear

then slowly the world changes
and you welcome"age"
once joy was your nature
now meet sadness & rage

With passing days you see strife
and each time your heart becomes brittle
every time you hold back a tear
piece by piece, you kill yourself a little

you lose yourself planning tomorrows
when todays weep a little while passing by
your shredded soul beseeches attention
whenever to be, to become do u 'Try'

and when you will just have a day left to live
would you leave this world with a regret?
what would you remember the most
someone you had or the things you couldn't get?

when life swims by across your eyes
who would it be,in another world,will you miss?
what will hold your heart until the end,
the biggest failure or your first kiss?

To the demons of your own making
would you sentence conviction or acquittal
in all the deaths you die everyday
may you find some moments, to live a little

The Indian Bride (inspired partially by Bhartesh Chaudhary's Post)

Over the long years when she struggled alone,
she learnt to live in less and in dignity
when her youth and her beauty was kept to hone
she never was the one for shame & pity

and along came the man who was a mirror
to her own simplicity & depth of soul
and he made promises to win her & love her
She, trusted him, slow and then in whole

Together they created dreams & worlds
their laughter shone like the rising sun
he would swerve in the smell of her curls
and she was sure that , he was 'the one'

Though Indians are still divided in 4 factions
and he was alas, but one above her
but their love was less words more actions
it was strong enough for differences, to cover

but they were wrong, she was wrong
she wasn't perfect or enough for the bond
the list of inadequacies in her was long
it stretched to her age, her family & beyond

and he nodded when they asked her to blend
and agreed to make her divorce her pride
unknowingly, he made her heart & soul rend
well, that's the price to be an Indian bride

She wondered about the promises and the vow
that they both silently undertook under the moon
the bond of equality- where was it now
was this the beginning to an end, so soon?

the answers lay buried somewhere in Indian mindsets
where daughters and brides are beneath sons & grooms
where dignity's quota is decided by a human's sex
and where an obligation on 'her', always looms

The truly liberated ones are either lost or rare
or the ones who are judged for their money or riches
in whose home a woman wont feel pride-bare
where her head is held high- and no one twitches

would she resign or rebel- no one would know
her heart,though, ached with yet another deceit
would she choose her respect over the good bride show
would she let go or attempt , all her life, to fit?