Excerpts from the diary of a sun kissed soul

.. and For a moment I wasn't there. There was only the sun that shined red declaring its departure. There was only the relentless wind that blew just enough to give me a high. There was only the horizon that spoke in languages I did not know existed. And there was just the landscape that was more beautiful than anything that I had ever seen, felt or experienced before. If 'Love' ever took a manifestation in physical form: what I was witnessing then, would be it.

DIEHARD

There must have been a time in ur life
when everything seems to weigh u down
when u lose ur anchor over every situation
& get played just like a lifeless crown

  

when everything takes its "worst" possible form
when every nook reeks of despair galore
when u find ur delicate emotions
being treated like a cheap street whore

when its the end if ur compassion and patience
when life eclipses the fire of ur soul
when tears become ur new best friends
a shattered YOU is what becomes of ur WHOLE

Defeated you bow down to god
only to be beaten, Yet again
lifeless,loveless u beg for grace
but all u get is a lil more pain

 Thats when u stop and think for Once
& cry out loud to the sky- WHY ME

Rise. For this is Your destiny
Tell life, Tell god: “Dare me. TRY ME”

When u fight n fail n u fyt n fail
when u play & lose ur every single card
when it seems like u hv gone bankrupt
spin the dice gambler, play batter, Diehard

For it is you who has been chosen
To do. To be. To get somthing better
and in the process if life gives u heat
It is only to make you shine, Just let her

Let it burn for then ull shine brighter
let ur heart bleed, for it will then evolve
let urself beat your own benchmarks
let urself struggle- it ll strengthen ur resolve

Do anything ,but Quit -dare u not
for life wants a winner out of U

 it wouldnt have tested u this bad

 if it had any frivolous plans for U

Choose to win by perseverance

Choose to make a palace of life's shard

Choose to sweat more even if ur injured

and Choose to Live my warrior, Diehard

Been strong enough, be powerful now
laugh out loud at time's eccentric game
learn not to give a damn to the world
make ‘success’ -ur god, ur love, ur aim

Damn situations- they cant do u any worse
Chuck people-they just sap ur energy and cash

Focus on making a mountain out of this molehill

 Like a phoenix-be born gain from ur ash

let not the world know of- the chaos
that goes about in ur soul everyday
Let them be cruel, mean and unkind
like very dog its their day today

Wait, for your Reign is on its way
& so is ur kingdom & ur crown

All u have to do is hold ur breath

a lil longer than when the others would drown

Unconditionally Happy

Then again here are those days when I feel compelled to write. And this time ,its not going to be a cathartic verse, nor any extraordinary event in this sequence of life, no sequels, no narrations- just a little something about “Life ,Happiness & my experiences about them” . Well now, those of you who don’t want to be preached, please.stop.reading! because as hard as I might want to contain my urge, I may preach and even if I don’t, this article wouldn’t serve you with your approach of “No Gyaan Please”. The lines between so called “gyan” and experience-sharing blur, almost strikingly, in my case.

My many a tete-a-tete with solitude have revealed  some of the very fundamental, yet often neglected simplicities about life. One of them is beautifully quoted by Albert Camus.

“To be happy, we must not be too concerned with others.”

Now this might seem as a rude shock to some, it is the hardcore truth. When do we become happy? Lets classify happy moments in 3 categories:

1.       On getting something we desire/slog for/work hard/struggle blah blah –basically something we want for us or others, from ourselves or others.

2.       A Happy Surprise: What better than God showering bounty and blessings-for free.

3.       Aiwehi.

Now while second would be a favorite of some, it is the first one that actually brings contentment, a feeling like “Yo! My prayers are being heard!”.

 But it is actually the third kind that entails reverence and frequency. It’s a one word that has almost unlimited scope. Now lets consider the scope of Aiwehi. To be happy because:

Yaar! Barish ho rahi hai!

Kya pyari nind ayi raat ko

Itna tasty khana tha yaar

Aj subeh subeh hi ek Maal ladki ke darshan hogaye yaar ..din ban gaya

Kal meri wo wali frd,jo abhi xyz state me hai, uska phone aya tha…kya mast gap maari yar humne!

Valentine’s day is around the corner..!

Aj maine apne phone me ek dhasu app download kari

Kal mai bohot busy rehne wala hu

Kal mai bohot velli rehne wali hu

Aj subeh subeh ek mast gaana suna..

And hordes of other silly reasons can very well qualify into this category. Its actually not a real reason, now is it? Its  just a trigger, a little upsetting of our rote routine that reminds us subconsciously of subtle pleasures that life offers. C’mon who are we kidding now? Rain/valentine’s day/phone call et al are hardly going to have any influence on the big picture of our life. But still, secretly, silently we do celebrate these. And when someone asks us why are we happy, we’re stunned and really start introspecting/justifying our happiness when instead it is the other person who needs to be questioned- do we really need a reason to be happy?

No. We Don’t. Happiness ,like breathing,moving,eating,potty,susu must come naturally to us. :D. Seriously! It must be our natural state of being. Yes, everyone has their share of sorrows and tribulations in life, but those are momentary detours. And shouldn’t affect our journey for that matter. In life so far, my biggest learning has been, to distract myself. From heavy feelings, situations, thoughts & people. I acknowledge them, but before my mind starts to dwell on them, I’d give it a better fancy. And this works! I can bet my most difficult years of life on this. And I’m no martyr, no victor as of now either, But I try. To be happy unconditionally.  

So next time someone asks me why I’m happy..? I’ll just say “kya btau yaar Aaj subeh subeh kya mast pet saaf hua! ” :D

“While sitting idle today I had this thought

Is it enough for what I have fought?

Am I just what I assume myself to be

is it okay to let the without control me

or can I be more, can I be brighter?

Can I keep going amidst the winds like a fighter

Is it really worth what they say or do

My happiness-my choice, “they” are who??

Its within I need to find my fire

The deeper I go within, will I climb higher

Blessed are men who are easily brightened

For they are actually those who are enlightened

Generally..Extraordinary!

Mood swings of a woman are as common as our parliamentary disruptions. It’s a new and interesting story every week. And so, there I was, yet again entangled by the caprice-syndrome. This time, ‘I wanted to go home’. And let me tell you how this works for me (specifically)- When its about going home, all that mattered was “to make up your mind once”. And that was that.

 Notwithstanding the fact that my annual leave reserve was already shrinking and that it was almost impossible to get reservations for next 2months in this peak season, there I was- calling my most reliable ticket agent (or rather the only ticket agent I knew) and oh-so-coolly asking him to get me tickets in my favorite train(yeah, seriously) and my favorite class(can you imagine?) to DELHI for day after tomorrow( ROFL!). God bless him, at least he didn’t laugh at my crippled rationale. But the next day, when I saw him ignoring and dilly-dallying my calls, I smelled danger. Eventually he put me out of my misery and disillusioned me-“Couldn’t get your tickets”!!! A normal reaction would have been that of disappointment, or an over(girly)reaction would have been of anger and tears, but to my roommate’s surprise I laughed it off and said- “So what?  I’m going without reservation . But ghar jaane se toh mujhe koi rok nahi sakta”.

Now for those who don’t understand Indian Railways like I do NOW- here’s the modus operandi, especially for the female population. For a 16-18hour overnight journey you MUST have a CONFIRMED AC ticket in the month of MAY when its way too hot for sleeper class and India is going crazy after vacations. But…when I checked availability of all the trains to delhi (I was calculating that I could get confirmed at 20 waiting max in tatkal quota) the waiting lists jeered at me with MINIMUM 125 in sleeper. I even went to the station after my office hours to give my last shot at getting a sleeper class waiting ticket (so that atleast I could SIT at the mercy of others in sleeper) but that day I realized 1 thing I had never known before in life : “Sleeper class booking closes at 2pm on Sunday.”

Later in the evening my roommate told me to check flight tickets. She had this theory that sometimes airlines drop rates to get customers on the last date. I shrugged. The staggering rates (Rs. 6K) made me think for the 1^st time after this series-of-unfortunate-events-obstructing-my-plan- ‘ Ye ho kya raha hai saala?’ My caring roommate soon started narrating me how TCs harass girls travelling alone and how it would be a traumatic risk to travel with a general class ticket.

I staggered for a while (who wouldn’t?) and then called my ultimate counselor - Mother. I had planned on not telling her about my plan and giving her a surprise later but I’m a chump and a wimp! So I began by saying firmly- “ Mother, What I might tell you now might disconcert you a little but I want you to respect my decision and guide me the “how-to-do-it” rather than suggesting me against it.”

In the next half an hour she worked her magic. Not only did she boldly tell me to come (not many mothers have the courage to fuel their daughters into executing a long journey alone without reservation) but she also de-cluttered all the mental mess I was loaded with.

So that was when I ‘made up my mind’(again) and told myself - I’m going home. Devil may care how.

Next morning, I woke up early, reached office before time. I forbade myself from thinking at all about the impending journey. Soon, happened the 1^st miracle (overstatement? My advice-stop judging, keep reading) of the day- the clerk told us that we’ll get 3days transfer leave (we had recently got transferred to a new unit)and we can claim it anytime within 3months. Now that’s 1 of the privileges of a govt. job- there’s a leave for everything!  So I jumped upon the offer and applied for it. Now prior to this I was going home for 3.5days while using up 2 of my earned leave reserve, but now, I’d be home 4.5days and that too without touching my ELs! (It’s a BIG DEAL for ME).

I left office at 11.45am, caught a bus in 2minutes exact (for which we usually had to wait for 20minutes), kept thanking god for the unexpected gift (yes, holidays are a BIG deal for me. Did I mention it already?) and just relaxed. It had dawned upon me that “if that’s how its gonna happen, I better as well make the most of it”. I had a general class ticket with me by 1pm and I was strolling towards the restaurant for some pet-pooja. i passed an hour by calling friends, observing people, staring at guys and bingeing. I saw a 6feet tall heavy weight south-indian army guy fretting about how he didn’t have a confirmed ticket and how it was so difficult to travel like that in summers. I saw his face whiten when he heard how I planned to travel. He simpered creepily and I could feel he was intimidated, if not impressed.

Soon MY train arrived. I skimmed through the overwhelming crowd for the TC for a few minutes before I sensed the train began inching and that was my cue. I got in and started searching for a place to sit. I came across an empty upper side berth and asked the couple (in side lower) to let me sit up there as long as they’re not sleepy. My plan was to sleep off the afternoon so that I could compensate for the loss of sleep in the night (due to non-availability of a berth, I had to sleep on the floor).Needless to say, It was extremely hot. But I couldn’t make excuses. Everytime I tried to sleep I found myself drenched in sweat whenever I woke up. I invented 5-different-positions-to-sleep-to-sweat-less. (It ‘ll be coming up in my next article, sit tight! ;-) ) I slept intermittently for 5hours and when I woke up, I saw it was dark outside. God bless the couple , I thought. At 8pm I had my dinner and that’s when I noticed a really hunky foreigner in our coach. ‘And look what we have here’ I thought. Small green eyes, 6feet tall, well built, blonde and fair as hell- he could have easily qualified for an actor. Although he was with a girl, but what could stop ME from eyeing up a sexy foreigner? (Its not a question after all ;-)). After dinner, the kind couple requested me to vacate their seat and I did so, gratefully.

Since the TC hadn’t arrived so far, at ITARSI station , very honestly I got out and started searching for him. I found him and asked politely to please upgrade my ticket to a sleeper class. He (a very kind man to be a TC) told me that there was no vacant seat in the train. I told him to upgrade it anyway. But he told me “ let it be. There was no point giving penalty when you’re not even going to get a berth. jaise chal raha hai chalne do” . I grinned and said- “Ye bhi thik hai”.

 I came back ,sat on the next seat, took my ipod out and thrust it in my ears. I was only selecting the coach floor to rest upon at night when an uncle in the front coach asked me where my seat was. I replied I had none.  Very kindly he told me to go to coach S7 where they had a seat which they did not require anymore. At first blush, I couldn’t actually believe if he really meant it. But, to my utter surprise ( and relief and elation and contentment ) he.did.mean.it. And he was so kind that he even sent his friend to escort me to the coach. And also offered me to come back in case any problem surfaces.( yeah,I’m very charming you see). But seeing all this happening I knew I was beyond problems now. I was beyond fear and beyond uncertainty. Though I was alone, but I never felt even for a second that I wasn’t being taken care of. “Care” came in ways I couldn’t imagine.

As a “thankyou” gesture I gave them the box of sweets I took for my family. I knew papa, as always, would look forward to the Nagpurian signature sweets, but sometimes you have choose between what-you-ought-to-do and what-you-always-do.

The train’s arrival time at NDLS was 7.30am. I slept at 10pm and woke up at 7am straight. I had no alarm, my cell phone ran out of battery, but it didn’t matter. i reached home. Safe, sound and in Rs 200/- J

 Now this is a lonnnng story with a very short message. As many would think,I did not mean to boast how daring (or lucky) a girl I am. (I’m a wimp remember?). Neither did I mean to advertise(or criticize) Indian railways. But if you haven’t guessed so far, I did mean to give you a food for thought- “ Has there been any point in your life when you are certain about something without having even the slightest hint of HOW? When you cease to care/plan/worry and begin to just flow?  when you live in the present and live your ass of it? when you liberate yourself from all the compulsions to control the situation? That’s when you give up changing and start accepting- People. Situations. And yourself. Its called SURRENDER. And If you have felt THAT even for once in life my friend, you have felt GOD.”